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Watching Them Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

Feeling helpless watching a friend see her marriage crumble somewhere between slow motion and fast foward.

One of my dearest friends has been recently blindsided.  Her husband has pronounced their marriage over.  No vote was taken, no polls were conducted.  He has just decided.  There are some extenuating circumstances that lead me and our other friends to think there is something far bigger going on with her husband, but right now, I don't care.

Right now, I am worried for my friend.  Right now, I am so incredibly sad for her.  Right now, I want to slap her husband until he realize what a fantastic thing is he throwing away.

Because, right now, his beautiful, brilliant, loving wife feels like she's been thrown away.  Right now, a remarkable woman feels like she wasn't enough.  Right now, my friend is hurting and there is nothing I can do to make it stop.

I can tell her that she is beautiful, brilliant, sexy, smart, funny, a fabulous mother, tremendous writer, and incredible friend and it doesn't amount to a hill of beans.  Because the man she built a life with says he doesn't want her anymore.  I can tell her that he's insane, that he needs counseling, that it will all work out, and she won't believe me.  Because he is throwing their shared life away.

But I still tell her that she is amazing, that I love her, that I won't throw her away.  I will send her cards with actual handwriting on them in the mail.  I will answer her emails and texts.  I will post thinly veiled blog posts.  I will cry with her until we can't help but laugh.  I will help her find a thoroughly pornographically insulting code name for him.  All in the hope that one day soon she realizes that she's done nothing to deserve this. 

I will hope they both find their way through this, and will hold out hope that her husband realizes how much he has to lose. 

 

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Jennifer Fisher February 22, 2013 at 07:20 PM
Sounds like a very tough situation to watch a friend go through. Thank you for this very thoughtful post, Jennifer.
Pat February 22, 2013 at 08:37 PM
Jennifer Wilson, you said: "Right now, my friend is hurting and there is nothing I can do to make it stop." You are correct. Having gone through this painful process myself a number of years ago, I applaud you because you need your friends. You need their love, support, plotting and advice. But they don't listen to your advice. And the best advice I received (didn't take, but DID receive) was go to a good mediator, cut a deal and get it done as quickly as possible. Particularly when he is feeling most guilty because: 1. I'm sure there is someone else. There always is. She is irrelevant in the longterm. But there will be someone else, someone else, etc. Don't make yourself crazy over it and make sure "she" is never present when the children are with him. 2. Accept the fact the marriage is over. It won't be repaired. No shrink will salvage anything. See one to vent and learn personally but not as a "couple" because that is over. Ultimately,she will learn to let it go and no longer care. But it takes a LOT of time. And the divorce process only stirs it up and prolongs the pain. The lawyers (his & hers) don't care. They go out, have a drink after a court date and decide how long they can extend it based on the money you have in the bank & equity in your home. Simple as that. I know this sounds hardcore, but it is a simple fact. Protect the kids. Sell the house and be open to a new and great future life. It WILL happen! Good luck!
millie February 23, 2013 at 03:33 AM
There are two sides to every story. Only seeing one here.
Jennifer Wilson February 23, 2013 at 12:56 PM
Pat, thanks for the advice. My friend is a smart lady and will be in excellent hands. I have no doubt that their kids will be priority number 1. Millie, I know there are 2 (and often 3) sides to the story. That being said, 1) as I mentioned there are extenuating circumstances that lead us to believe her husband is not himself right now and shouldn't be making major life decisions. 2) I didn't detail those to protect their privacy. 3) I. Don't. Care. There is no side to the story that makes it ok to inflict the kind if hurt my friend is in. I made no claim that this was fair or balanced. No one is a perfect spouse, but my friend has been pretty darn close. And until very recently so was her husband. Jennifer, thanks for the compliment. I appreciate it.

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